Reflecting ...

This day, April 6, is a difficult day for me. This exact day one year ago is when we lost our 4th baby, Baby Taylor.

The loss of a child at any stage is so hard. It's difficult to put it into words the emotions involved unless you have experienced it yourself. Especially after attaching yourself to your baby growing inside you through seeing and hearing his heartbeat and pictures on ultrasound several times, it's amazing the bond that is built so early. You immediately, instantly begin picturing THIS baby in your family, how many years apart he would be from your other kids/cousins in the family, when this baby would be born, and your heart builds a strong connection to the life growing inside your body. Also, the love you feel for someone whom you've never held in your arms, never seen in person develops the first day you know he's growing in your tummy. Then, when that precious life is gone, it leaves the feelings of deep sadness, loneliness, frustration, emptiness and... SADNESS...

And it's often a road you have to walk alone (since no one else ever saw, held, connected to that baby, only you had since he was growing in your body). Some close people around you may be sad for a little while and grieve the loss of that baby with you, then are able to move on. It's often very hard because people don't understand how hard it is at every milestone... the due date that passes, the first anniversary that comes, the other babies around that were due at the same time...

But, when all is said and done, I'm grateful for my God, who I know understands deeply the pain of losing a child. He has helped me use these losses I have experienced to grow stronger in my relationship to Him and to truly seek Him in my saddest times. I am also able to relate to and reach out to other women who experience the loss of a baby. Like one of my favorite people in the world, Beth Moore (I wish I knew her personally! ha!), says, "God never wastes your pain."